DO YOU KNOW WHO AND WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE?

The following is a reprint of an article published by
THE STATES MOST WANTED

Knowing with whom your children are, is as necessary as knowing where they are. It is not a matter of trust, but part of one’s parental responsibility. This is something that parents need to not only teach their children, but re-enforce throughout their upbringing.

With toddlers and pre-school children it is important to teach them about strangers and the dangers that they pose. Children should know that they should not talk to or go with people they do not know without mom or dad’s permission, even if the stranger knows their name. They should be taught to scream "THIS IS NOT MY FATHER OR MOTHER" at the top of their lungs should someone attempt to grab them.

One way to avoid letting strangers know your child’s name is by not writing it on book bags, shirts, jackets or hats. Even jewelry with his or her name should be avoided. This does not mean that you should not mark your child’s property for identification purposes, but this should only be done on inner surfaces.

As toddlers, children should not be further than a few feet from their parents while in a public venue (supermarket, park, events etc.). They should hold their parent’s hand or clothing when at these places. This is something that has to be taught and should become second nature to the child and parent.

When the child reaches grammar school age, he or she may not need to hold your hand, but should know that in public places they should stay within the eyesight of their parents. This distance is as far as a parent can respond to the child’s side in the event of an emergency or an abduction attempt. Holding on to the parent’s clothing as a toddler passes with age and being within the parent’s eyesight should then become second nature to the child and the parent.

Child identification programs are regularly offered at area police departments and at child fairs. Having your child’s identifiers available is important. Examples of these are good fingerprints, current photographs and DNA.

Although fingerprints and DNA do not change, the photographs should be kept up to date. Remember that your child should be alone in the picture. These pictures can be acquired during the holiday season on a yearly basis and placed with the child's identifiers.

As your child gets to the pre-teen and teen age years, stranger danger needs to change. You must make sure that their friends are not strangers to you. This will require that you become involved in their lives. Knowing who your children’s friends are, where they live and who their parents are is important because if you do not know anything about their friends then your children are spending their time with strangers. At all of the stages of your child’s life you should know the people in their lives.

It is important to remember that knowing who your child’s friends are goes well beyond your neighborhood. This includes "cyber" friends from the internet and telephone chat friends from services.

Within the Hartford Police Department “missing persons” are investigated by the Juvenile Investigations Division. While assigned to this division as the commander I found that many parents did not have a clue as to where their children might be. Even preschool and grammar school age children have friends that are close to them and they may find themselves straying (against parental direction) to these homes to visit.

Needless to say when such a young child comes to visit your kids you should insure that their parents are aware that their child is at your home. You may even have to call them on the phone to verify that permission was granted. Many a missing child has been found at a friend’s house and no one in the visiting household questioned this child's presence.

Once you know who your children are with, then you need to know where they are going to be and when they will return home. This should be easy since they should not be going anywhere without your permission. As they get older they will expect privacy and more leeway in reference to where they go and how late they may stay out, but if they are teenagers living in your household they should already know the rules and consequences of breaking these rules.

Most parents are aware of the "gray area" between ages 16 and 18, where a child can not be forced to come back home if they decide to leave, yet the parents are responsible for them and can not lock them out without the child having been emancipated. This subject in itself would fill many articles but there are some steps that can be taken to encourage kids to keep you informed. These steps would include having clearly identified the consequences for not being where permission was granted and for curfew violations.

It is important to remember that you do not owe your child a car, a parking space for their car, designer clothes, or the use of electronics in your home to include the telephone (cellular or otherwise) and the internet. Taking away the child's privileges in reference to these items can be a part of the consequences for not following the established rules.

Keeping your child’s whereabouts important throughout their life is something that must be re-enforced frequently during their upbringing. I know of kids who are in their twenties that live out of the state and when they are going on trips outside of the state they live in, they call to inform their parents of where they are going, with whom, in what vehicle and when they will be returning. They continue to practice safety measures into their adulthood.

Throughout my career I have watched many parents cry over the loss of their children. This pain is worsened by the realization that they do not know where their child had been and with whom they had been last. In essence, they do not have any leads to offer in the investigation. The re-creation of a victim’s last twenty four hours is very important in many homicide investigations.

A way to show your children that keeping you informed is important is by setting the example yourself. Let your children know where you are going when you leave the house and when you anticipate returning. If you’re late returning home call and let them know, even if it is through a babysitter. This will make it easier for them to learn to give their whereabouts when they are in their teens, since keeping the family informed will be a common practice.

Knowing where and with whom your child is with is not about trusting them. It is about loving them enough to want to be informed and protecting them as much as possible.

Written by:  Lieutenant Jose L. Lopez, Sr.
Commander/Detention Division
Hartford Police Department
October, 2004

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